I am depressed and I don’t know what to do

I miss the old me but I don’t. I miss my old life.But I don’t. I love myself but at the same time I don’t. I hate myself but I don’t. I feel so incompetent and completed at the same time. I feel like my life peaked in elementary school. As an 13 year old I feel that way. And I shouldn’t. I feel so loved and unloved at the same time all I want to do is disappear,but I can’t. So many people love me and hate me but all I can do for them is just be around. I want people to forget me and leave me here by myself . I can’t seem to find away out. All I can think about is the past. My heart hurts for you. You’ve staked me through the chest. It hurts please I can’t take it anymore. I feel as though I can’t talk to anyone, not because they don’t understand. I just don’t feel comfortable with myself taking about me. I hate talking about myself. And when I do I start to breakdown inside and it feels like my body is failing to keep me alive. But all I can say is I’m fine, don’t worry about it, let’s talk about you, are you doing okay. I’m sorry for me being me. I sorry for expressing myself through my hair and clothes.im sorry for taking to much.and im sorry for just existing. Im sorry.